Revealing what divides us.....

Revealing our deepest secrets, weakens the power they have over us. I can speak this truth because I have lived as two different people for most of my adult life.  Not because I wanted to but rather because I thought I had to.  How did I break free?  Only because God insisted that I learn the truth about who I am.  His truth for me and not another's.

As I reluctantly trust Him with my heart, I start to reveal where I have been and what I have done.  It never was easy and many tears were shed before, during and after the  private revealings.  With each secret exposed, a weight is lifted, but walking through it is terrifying.  It is the walking through that has strengthen my faith, that the Lord deeply cares for my broken heart and longs  for its restoration.

One might think that sharing those secrets isn’t to pressing with a trusted friend.  That is what I had hoped for as well, but God had other plans for me. Trusting God with my heart is one of the hardest challenges of my life but also the most life changing.  Though His initial requests seemed simple and gentle, His further direction now suggests that it was time to share my disgrace in two small groups.

All that was within me, wanted to run and hide.  How could this be good for me when it felt so bad?  What was the point of sharing my failures in a small group?  Why did it matter to Him?  As I struggle to find the words, I am overwhelmed by the anxiety.  This did not feel like freedom!  I struggle to mutter parts of my story to two different groups at two different times.  They in themselves are sad scenes, but what was to follow was unexpected.   There was another!  I wasn’t alone!  In a semi-private exchange after my revealing, I was approached by a woman, herself overwhelmed, by what I shared.  She was also speaking out for the first time, that she too had behaved in similar ways.  She expressed her gratitude for my courage to break free, as in that, she was able to start her own journey.

The moments ran through my mind for many days.  Not only did the Lord provide a cushion to catch me, as He first handily showed me that I am not alone.  But His insisting that I share my secrets, drastically weakened the power that was consuming me.  I was not my behaviour, although He did not approve of the choices, He most certainly approved of me and loved me tenderly.  I needed to walk the path He directed me to, though I was able to walk it with my hand in His.  I know He felt my tension and saw me gaze behind us, looking for an opportunity to turn back.  But as His voice spoke gently to my fragile heart, I was able to keep in step with Him.

My reward?  My deepest secrets dragged to the surface, broke the chain of lies that weighed on my self worth and self respect.  Nothing has crippled me more than the shame of a past and the fear of it rearing up into my present.  There is only One that can free and there is only One that cares enough to insist on it.  To know this and the truth He has for me has made me a new woman and mother.  There are still times when I share that the fear of judgement arises within. But in those times I can’t help but think of the one woman that needs to hear that she is not alone.  The woman that needs to hold her head up towards the blue sky and feel the soft lips of God kiss her forehead.  For she is loved!