Sunday 7 April 2013

What is the point?

I posted the video below a few days ago.  I am so proud of Rio, my 4yr old mustang, and all that we have accomplished in the 6 months that I have owned him.  I have taken many riding lessons in my youth but gentling my own boy has been such an amazing experience.  It has been good for my ego too.

I suppose I ackwardly say that because when I was younger I rode the way I was trained to and I disciplined my horse, as I was told to.  I was never really comfortable and felt many times that people just didn't understand horses well.  Though being young, I believed I had no voice. 

To be in a place where I can freely test my intuition and feel my way through my relationship with Rio, is a dream come true.  I don't have the noise of coaches sharing their opinions.  I can succeed and mess up without anyone's input.

 When I finished my time with Rio, in awe with how hard he tries to please, I ask my Lord..."Are YOU proud of me?"  Tears well up in my eyes as my heart goes to a vulnerable place that I don't often visit.  "I have come a long way Lord and together we have moved mountains and changed lives.  But if You are not proud of me then what is the point?"

It doesn't even really involve Rio, but he is an important part of my life.  Just as are my kids, my family and my job.   As I sit in vulnerable silence,  waiting to hear His response, I can't help to think of all the blessings I have received.  I work hard at gaining the things I want in life, whether relational or material.  I insist on having fun too and that is where Rio comes in.

Yet I wonder, is it all in vain?  How much of my time and money is given to the Lord?  Is He shaking His head while I shop til I drop or til my credit card gets cancelled?  Which ever comes first.  Is He disappointed that all my spare time goes to learning how to ride my horse without reins, and then bragging about it on facebook?  Am I raising my children up for His glory or mine?  I try not to put my children on facebook too often but they will surely get an ear full if they embarrass me.  Why is that?  I mean isn't that to be expected or did I have kids to show what a wonderful mother and person I am?

My heart feels as though I could do better.  I do have a purpose for the training I do with Rio and my intention is to give glory to God with it.  But I think my struggle is that I desire to show off as well.  I want to brag about my kids so others wished they had them.  I need to decorate my home so that I have a lovely place to share with friends and family.  I long to WOW facebook friends with my natural equine talents.  "I am just not sure Lord when enough is enough....."


Zephaniah 3:17 New International Version (NIV)

17 The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

I do find it hard to believe that my God will rejoice over me with singing.  When I pick apart my heart and see how consumed I am with myself and my agenda, I don't know how any song can begin.  And even though I am acutely aware, I am not sure how much I desire to do better.   What would I be prepared to give up if He asked?

Recalling I ponder, what is the point of any of this if He isn't proud of me? How can I desire the audience of many when the only One the truly matters isn't present? 

 I would like to think that life is wrapped up in a neat little box.  If I am a good person and do all the right things, with a pure heart, then all will be well.  The reality is, is that life is messy.  Sometimes really really messy.  

I often find that my heart seems to have a mind of its own.  It regularly runs off in a different direction than I had first intended and I have no solution to this problem.

Thank goodness He does!  My God is a seeking God, who intentionally seeks to find those that are lost.  Who longs to know me and is jealous for my attention.   So jealous that He gently pokes with a feather, to remind me that He is craving my affections.  And that I have placed something or someone above Him and He misses me.  

I know what it is like to miss my children when they are gone for the weekend.  I know how it feels to miss having a special someone in my life.  Oh how my heart melts to know that my God, Alpha & Omega, also misses me in that same tender way.