Dare to reconnect....

Riding Rio-no saddle, bridle or halter

There is a time in every relationship that the heart hurts and distance between loved ones takes root.  It can be a challenging time and ultimately devastating, if those hearts don't  fight to recapture what was lost.

For those of you that have regularly read my blogs, you are aware of the beautiful relationship that has grown between me and my horse Rio.  God has taught me so much through this horse and I have been blessed to share that journey with all of you.

Recently, Rio and I were working in the outdoor riding ring. He was free, meaning no halter, lead rope or lunge lines.  My goal for us was for me to stand on the ground beside him and work in sync, as we moved around the arena together.  So as we stood shoulder to shoulder, we would walk together and trot together.  When I stopped, he stopped.  When I backed up, he backed up and so on.

To refine my communication with Rio, I held a wand in my hand.  Never to be use as a weapon, but rather to block unwanted behaviour and help encourage him when he was on the correct path.

In holding this tool, I know in my heart that Rio isn't a fan.  He has been mistreated in the past by a previous owner, which has created a slight mistrust for anyone holding the item.  Rio and I have come along way with this tool, to the point that he will freely stand with me as I touch him all over and spank the ground close to were he is standing.  With my persistence, he has come to know my heart and trust that he is safe.

Today was a day that his past and fear got the better of him.  As we moved around the arena together, me in line with his back hip, I asked him to pick up a canter.  I used my wand to encourage him to pick up the gait, by waving it behind his tail.  I continued with the energy from behind and as he moved into a canter he slightly turned his hind end in, towards the wand, and kicked.  In his attempt to strike the wand, he also struck my arm, leaving me stunned.

I wasn't able to continue with our activity, as fear and mistrust set in for myself.  I wasn't physically injured but my heart was.  How was it possible that Rio had forgotten who I was?  How did he lose that knowing that he was safe with me? As I stood in the middle of the arena, watching him graze, I wondered what I was suppose to do now.

Could I trust him?  Now it seemed like our relationship had changed and my safety was something I had to consider more than I had prior.  I was always aware, as he is a horse.  But in knowing his heart for me and his nature, I trusted.

How was it possible that we were in this place?  Rio's fear is real to him.  There may not be any truth in it, as I have worked hard to assure him that he is safe.  But to him, in that moment, he was afraid and responded the only way he knew how.  To survive and self protect.

Is it possible that I also respond from a place of survival and self protection?  Is my past and those experiences, contaminating my current relationships?  Will I be able to let go?

With the the fear and uncertainty that has risen within myself, I am aware that yes, survival and self protection is number one on my list.  How do I move forward and reconnect?

It took a few days for me to work through my struggles with Rio.  Partly because I didn't want him to fear and mistrust me.  And also because I was very aware of my physical safety and needed to find the confidence in him again.  That his reaction was not about us but about the wand and what it represented it him.

How often do I miss seeing this within my family and those I love?  That their mess is often not about me yet I am at the brunt of the reaction.  If I am not able to look past myself, then I can miss loving those that deeply need it.  I can miss the opportunity to allow Jesus to live through me and bring peace and healing to a struggling heart.

The heart seems to fight to survive.  At any cost. I choose to believe that a heart doesn't mean to do harm but rather doesn't know better and sometimes can't see the truth that is standing before it.  I desire to love the hearts of those God has entrusted to me, with everything I have.  To remind them of the truth of who I am, even when a moment of fear or vulnerability rises up and then a heart is temporarily wounded. 

Rio's Butt =)

Rio was unable to pursue me during this struggle.  He lives in the moment and when the moment past and the wand wasn't visible, all was well.  He went back to being his adorable self but I found myself needing to pursue him.  My heart was the wounded one and I needed to re-establish that connection with him as it hurt me to feel unsure.

 Do I pursue my family in the same way? When my heart has been wounded from an outburst that isn't really about me. Do I pursue or does pride kick in? Do I demand that the offender make the matter right? Am I a tad bit stubborn, setting unrealistic expectations for how my heart should be wooed prior to allowing that deep connection to return?




If Jesus did not pursue me and love me, even when I turned my back on Him, I don't know where I would be today.  He has often chased me down and tenderly loved my heart even though I have wounded His heart with my rebellion and sin.

I have to believe that if Jesus can love this way then I can find the strength to as well.  That I can lay down my pride and pursue those that are wounded and broken, even if it hurts.  That I won't allow distance to linger to long because ultimately it is the connection that I crave.

  "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." 

Colossians 3:14

What is the point?

I posted the video below a few days ago.  I am so proud of Rio, my 4yr old mustang, and all that we have accomplished in the 6 months that I have owned him.  I have taken many riding lessons in my youth but gentling my own boy has been such an amazing experience.  It has been good for my ego too.

Video: Our best liberty ride! 

I suppose I ackwardly say that because when I was younger I rode the way I was trained to and I disciplined my horse, as I was told to.  I was never really comfortable and felt many times that people just didn't understand horses well.  Though being young, I believed I had no voice. 

To be in a place where I can freely test my intuition and feel my way through my relationship with Rio, is a dream come true.  I don't have the noise of coaches sharing their opinions.  I can succeed and mess up without anyone's input.

 When I finished my time with Rio, in awe with how hard he tries to please, I ask my Lord..."Are YOU proud of me?"  Tears well up in my eyes as my heart goes to a vulnerable place that I don't often visit.  "I have come a long way Lord and together we have moved mountains and changed lives.  But if You are not proud of me then what is the point?"

It doesn't even really involve Rio, but he is an important part of my life.  Just as are my kids, my family and my job.   As I sit in vulnerable silence,  waiting to hear His response, I can't help to think of all the blessings I have received.  I work hard at gaining the things I want in life, whether relational or material.  I insist on having fun too and that is where Rio comes in.

Yet I wonder, is it all in vain?  How much of my time and money is given to the Lord?  Is He shaking His head while I shop til I drop or til my credit card gets cancelled?  Which ever comes first.  Is He disappointed that all my spare time goes to learning how to ride my horse without reins, and then bragging about it on facebook?  Am I raising my children up for His glory or mine?  I try not to put my children on facebook too often but they will surely get an ear full if they embarrass me.  Why is that?  I mean isn't that to be expected or did I have kids to show what a wonderful mother and person I am?

My heart feels as though I could do better.  I do have a purpose for the training I do with Rio and my intention is to give glory to God with it.  But I think my struggle is that I desire to show off as well.  I want to brag about my kids so others wished they had them.  I need to decorate my home so that I have a lovely place to share with friends and family.  I long to WOW facebook friends with my natural equine talents.  "I am just not sure Lord when enough is enough....."

 

Zephaniah 3:17 New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you,

    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

I do find it hard to believe that my God will rejoice over me with singing.  When I pick apart my heart and see how consumed I am with myself and my agenda, I don't know how any song can begin.  And even though I am acutely aware, I am not sure how much I desire to do better.   What would I be prepared to give up if He asked?

Recalling I ponder, what is the point of any of this if He isn't proud of me? How can I desire the audience of many when the only One the truly matters isn't present? 


 I would like to think that life is wrapped up in a neat little box.  If I am a good person and do all the right things, with a pure heart, then all will be well.  The reality is, is that life is messy.  Sometimes really really messy.  

I often find that my heart seems to have a mind of its own.  It regularly runs off in a different direction than I had first intended and I have no solution to this problem.

Thank goodness He does!  My God is a seeking God, who intentionally seeks to find those that are lost.  Who longs to know me and is jealous for my attention.   So jealous that He gently pokes with a feather, to remind me that He is craving my affections.  And that I have placed something or someone above Him and He misses me.  

I know what it is like to miss my children when they are gone for the weekend.  I know how it feels to miss having a special someone in my life.  Oh how my heart melts to know that my God, Alpha & Omega, also misses me in that same tender way.

Leave me alone!

For the past few weeks I have been fusing over Rio's mud fever.  "Mud fever (also known as dew poisoning or pastern dermatitis) is a group of diseases of horses causing irritation and dermatitis in the lower limbs." It is typically just above the hoof but can spread up the leg if it gets severe enough.  Which usually can be observed as scabs under the hair and at times swelling in the ankle and leg.

Mud Fever

 I have done my best to soak and treat these scabs.  I have been told the best treatment is to pick the scabs off, apply an ointment and keep Rio in a dry area.  I have picked and picked and picked but can't seem to get them all.  Rio has been sweet about the whole ordeal.  My focus has been on his left hind leg and the picking  has been quite painful for him.  He picks up his leg and moves away, all in the efforts to escape my new found obsession.  My heart is in the right place but it has caused Rio a fair bit of discomfort.  In all of this though it amazes me that I have not been kicked.  He has the power and freedom to do so, plus the speed and accuracy, yet he has refrained.

The last time I went to see him, I did the usual.  I tried to soak the area and then the picking began.  I was able to get some large pieces of the scab off, but not all.  I was sorry to see his wound begin to bleed yet felt I had no choice but to press on.  

I continued to apply an ointment to the area and noticed that I felt quite disconnected from Rio.  I kept trying to tell him, in my heart, that my intention was good.  Yet it felt like he just wanted to get away from me.

I still had 40mins to spend with him before running home to pick my kids up from school.  I wanted to hop on and ride him.  I also had my camera and wanted to video some more of my interaction with Rio, to share with all of you.  So I decided to ignore the disconnection and the knot in my stomach, and proceed anyways.

When I mounted Rio during the 40 mins, I experience two key things.  The first was his refusal to move forward.  He wouldn't budge an inch.  I asked him to walk forward and back up, but he just would not do it.  I waved my feet and he just turned his ear back at me and remained cemented in place.

Rio

I dismounted and brought him back to the mounting block and  tried again.  This time he moved forward but not where I asked him to go.  He walked to the edge of the fence to where all his friends were hanging out.  I felt like he was saying, "Let me go".  I refused and was still determined to video the new things we have learned.

In response to me pressing him to follow through with my request, he did move.  Though again, not where I requested.  He walked under a tree with low branches and stopped.  I was getting poked in many different places and as I tried to work through the tangled mess, branches were breaking all around us.

I did manage to get Rio to back out from under the tree.  I did dismount and yield by releasing him to his buddies.  My time was up and my video clearly wasn't going to boost my ego today.

I shared this with a mentor of mine, concluding that I felt as though I needed to leave the mud fever alone because it was creating a disconnection in my relationship with Rio.  She was happy that I had come to that conclusion on my own because that was were she had intended to guide me.  Not in a neglectful way but just from a place that affirms that there is an issue, I am here to help if you need it, yet I will allow you to fight this infection on your own.

As I reflect, I wonder how often I obsess over the sin in my family.  How often am I picking away at their illness with the best of intentions?  Has this picking created a disconnection between me and my children?  Have I become so lost in the fear that things can only get worse, that I begin to chase after my loved ones, in the hopes that my picking will release the invader?  Have I taken matters into my own hands to avoid the shame that may come when the infection is too big to hide?  Has my ego become bigger than love, that I aim to say just the right thing, to then be awarded credit for the healing?

When is it the right time to acknowledge a sin of a loved one and cease picking?  Can I be present and connected with my children or my former husband and not obsess over the parasite?  Can I let go of my ego and completely give the matter over to God?

Chasing my children around and constantly pointing out their sins and failures is worthy of a kick.  My kids need my time, my love and acceptance.  Yes, improvements can be made.  Yes, we can all strive to do better but at what cost has the Lord asked us to mandate change?  If I am going to obsess over all the ways my family is failing, than why am I surprised that my kids would rather hang out with their friends or pick back at me, causing wounds to bleed.

I want to love my family best.  I don't want to hurt or neglect them.  Although my intentions are good and right, is it fair to say that there is a time when I must let go of my fear and ego, and just allow.  Allow my family to fall so that I can let the mighty hand of God pick them back up.  I think that in my efforts to allow them to fall, I also will fall.  To yield the control, fear and the shame that may arise from these stumbles, may indeed provoke my own infection.  I trust that the mighty hand of God is big enough to pick me up out of the dirt, as He has proven faithful in the past.  So I allow the imperfections within my family to be as they may.  In His strength I put a guard over my mouth and keep my knees bent and cemented in prayer, as I trust the only One who knows the perfect way to pick away at an infected heart.