At the heart of a buck....

As I continue to train Rio, my 3 yr old mustang, I must first always keep in mind what he needs from me.  I want him to trust me and allow me to ride him, but he needs me to provide for him as well.

I can create anxiety, if I move to quickly.
I can create panic, if I only focus on my agenda.
I can create mistrust, if I am too forceful. 
I can create frustration, if I do not release the pressure.
I can create confusion, if I am not clear and consistent.
I can create a buck, if I don't listen.

As I have worked through the stages, I have been careful to stay within his comfort zone.  I do press him a little but only to expand that zone.  I am very aware that too much, too quickly can send him into a state of panic.  My overall goal is to teach him, which requires some pressure. But not to the point that he gets lost and starts to fight for survival.

As I reflect on the relationships in my life, I wonder how I have contaminated them.  Are those around me  fighting for survival?  It is not easy to look within and examine my selfish intent towards another.  Could it be that my adding additional pressure in conflict or self seeking agenda, has created a buck from the ones I love the most. 

I have had one moment when Rio bucked and his rider took a tumble.  He was grazing and his rider moved her leg too far back and applied pressure, which startled him.  His rider had a big heart and instead of remaining on his back, she bailed.  He desperately needed her to get off, so she took a gentle tumble in the grass and he settled immediately.  After giving him a few moments to collect himself, he was happy to accept his rider again.

There are many different ways to control a horse, just like there are many ways to control a family.  I can create a fearful structure that includes painful penalties for not submitting.  I can create a method of bribery that manipulates horse and human to obey or I can initiate a true connection and a heart centered approached.

Rio is mine so I can do what I want.  I could certainly throw a saddle on him and ram a bit in his mouth.  I can carry a whip in my hand and ride him as long and as hard as it takes for him to give in.  He is mine so I can be as harsh as I want to.

If this is how I would treat my horse, how am I handling my relationships.  Am I screaming at my children to get their attention?  Was I chasing my former spouse around the house to insist he listen to my point of view, one more time?  Am I degrading my children or their father because I can't get my needs met? Do I have a hard heart which is creating an inconsistency within me, thus generating confusion for my loved ones?  Am I struggling with self worth to the point that I shame those I love in private, so long as they glorify me in public?

If I choose to train in such ways, then why am I surprised when they buck?  If training and matters of the heart are not first guided from compassion and tenderness, then why am I surprised that my kids hide in their rooms and that my former husband would find refuge in the basement?

I can hope that a reasonable request, results in a reasonable outcome.  Though life and people are not that predictable.  Contributing to my relationships must out way the contamination, in order to avoid devastation.  Can I take responsibility for the wreck I have fabricated or will I blame those interfering with my agenda?

The truth can be hard when it is starring straight at us.  But our God doesn't show us the truth to shame us.  Not in the way the world would describe shame.  He flashes a light into our darkness to expose what is hidden and help begin the restoration.  Jesus loves us.  It is a love like no other.  If He is poking around within your heart to reveal what hinders, try not to snuff Him out.  His agenda is not self seeking but it is to restore what has dissembled and crumbled apart.  Search deep, make amends and start fresh.  In His strength alone you will find true connection and an approach that melts the heart of the ones you love.

John 3:30  "He must increase but I must decrease"

Please don't break me!

The art of breaking horses frightens me.  Not completely for my own safety, though important, but also for the well being of the horse.  Some trainers are just so tough on their horses, though I know not all.  The idea of true partnership and connection is unheard of, to some, and misunderstood.

Breaking the will or spirit of any living creature just can't be the way God intended for us to behave.  As a parent, I have had moments where frustration has peaked and self control diminished.  Leaving me with a strong intent to break my child's will. 

Having little control scares me as well.  Whether breaking a horse or raising a child.  Sometimes I wonder what it is that I am so deeply afraid of.  Is it the fear of injury, heart or physical?  Am I afraid of what I believe the future to hold if this behaviour continues or is it my reputation?  What will people think when they find out my child has done this?  What will people think if I can't train this horse myself ? 

From studying horses and the herd dynamics, I have learned that there are dominant, lead and passive horses in the group.  They have a hierarchy amongst them, though they feel safe and live comfortably within this structure.

The dominant horse is more on the aggressive side and is only concerned with another horse moving and disobedience is not an option.  If one doesn't move, a kick or bite may follow.  It does remind me of those times when I have focused too much on my child's behaviour and not looked deeper to the heart of the issue. 

The passive horse gives up and is easily pushed around by the herd.  I recall those times when my passive child seems to just follow along without voicing his feelings.  He is learning that remaining quiet is better than having a confrontation.  By allowing him to stay passive, am I parenting for myself because this is easier?  Am I creating an individual that will struggle to keep the peace, at any cost? 

 The lead horse is more concerned with his herd hearing and trusting him, rather than movement.  This horse will use a little pressure, such as pinning back the ears or a strong glare, to ask another horse to move. But he will release and soften that pressure before asking again.  The pressure can increase to a charge, if movement doesn't happen, but the relationship is about acceptance, respect and trust. I wonder how this method of respect might transfer to my relationship with my children?


I have concluded that in my training, whether of child or horse, "I" is the problem.  When I allow my ego to run a muck in my life, then I only care about what is best for me.  If I am concerned with what others think, then the behaviour of my child is my focus and not the heart or the relationship.  Then I become like a dominant horse and the time will come, when I choose to take what ever means necessary, to ensure that I get what I want; glory. 

When I forget that as the trainer & parent, my job is to build strength, confidence and character, then my agenda is self seeking and I forget to release the pressure.  I again take on the characteristics of a dominant horse and demand my little herd to move in every way that I ask.  When they don't, I continue to increase the pressure until I get movement but why do I seem to be unaware of the injuries that are forming?  When will the time come when "I" can shift to "we", solidifying the well being of all? 

How can I get out of my own way and have a heart centered approach?  What is it about me that isn't first interested in a true connection with my child or my horse?   Do I know how to create such a connection? Why is my focus only on performance? Am I trying to fill a void within myself that can only come from the illusion of success?  If it looks great then it is great, therefore I am great?

I am thankful that my God refuses to break my spirit when I am bucking or rearing at His requests.  I know my God's love but it isn't because He sets me free or is passive but rather by the way He leads me.  He gently adds pressure to steer me to greener pasture but when I start to fuss, He releases.  Then He asks again.  Dominance isn't His nature.  He isn't interested in just ensuring that I move when He asks.  He wants me to trust Him and accept Him as lead.

I confess that I am still trying to figure out how to be led.  I am also trying to sort out my need to be in complete control of my herd.  Self seeking leadership is a challenging attribute to refine.  But as my Lord applies pressure, during the release, I hope to be sure to listen.

Why do you run?

A few weeks ago I was entrusted with an assignment.  I was offered to work with a 2yr old mustang name Rio.  He is a beautiful gelding that isn't very comfortable with people touching him or in his personal space.  There are days when I can relate, so in order to win his heart, I decided that I would let him dictate  what was best.

When I started spending time with him,  I would sit in his paddock, welcoming an approach.  He would stretch out his long neck, not getting too close, and sniff my cheek or my hair.  He would pull away when I held onto his halter, so I would let go, allowing him the freedom to choose.  He would stand with me when I offered him food but just long enough to eat and run.

Rio is grey/white & hiding is nose in Dealers neck.

He did offer some sweet moments when he would stand and allow me to rub his neck and his head.  Though the catch seem to be that his courage came from another horse standing next to him or even in between us.

After thinking about what was in Rio's best interest, I realized that allowing him to run from me wasn't ideal.  I needed him to trust my heart and my intent.  I had no intention of hurting him, though I was aware that what I was asking of him was creating an anxiety that he needed to work through.

Today our greeting was the same.  I approached Rio and when I got too close for his liking, he walked away.   I decided to add some additional pressure to the situation when he walked away, and less pressure when he remained.  It took a few attempts but Rio got it and by the end of our time together, I was able to stand next to him while he ate and I could rub his neck and head.

I can't help but ponder the similarities between my relationship with Rio and my Lord Jesus.  There have been many times throughout my journey, where God has asked me to stand and work through anxiety.  Like Rio, my anxiety was fear based and this fear needed the right kind of pressure in order for it to diminish.  Pressure that would bring freedom and a new perspective.  God has graciously granted me the free will to turn and run but there have been those times that He has insisted I stand.  Stand and trust, therefore, breathe and allow.  

To trust my heart and my intent, for Rio means life or death.  There have been times when I have felt the same way about life.  To feel one more heart break or admit to another failure, would be to much.  Yet Rio has to learn that I do have his best interest at heart.  The discomfort he feels now, is only for a season and he will be much stronger for it.  But it all begins when he adjusts his footing and stands, resisting the temptation to flee.

 As Rio and I work though this together, he will begin to know my heart.  He will experience my gentle hand and a kindness that he has never known before.  I know this because his anxiety would not be present if kindness and love had been apart of his past.
 

Although I have walked with my God for 15 years, I still feel the need to flee.   I have felt His gentle hand.  I know His heart.  He has guided me through some heart breaking and fearful situations.  He has made Himself personally know, when the voice of others have clouded the truth of who He is and what He is not.  I know His love but not because I loved Him first or lived a life of perfection.  I know His love because He first loved me.  He held out His cross to me and when I accepted, He has never left my side.  

Will Rio continue to flee?  Yes!  That is how he is wired to survive.  But may those times drastically decrease, as he learns to walk right along side me and trust me with his life.

I know my God wants me to stand, breathe and allow.  And I want that also, yet I do know that there will be times that I will flee.  I will be thankful for those moments that God allows me to run.  Though there will be other seasons, that I must adjust my footing, and remember His promises and His heart.  I will trust that when His pressure increases, it is for my good and I will be stronger for it.