What is the point?

I posted the video below a few days ago.  I am so proud of Rio, my 4yr old mustang, and all that we have accomplished in the 6 months that I have owned him.  I have taken many riding lessons in my youth but gentling my own boy has been such an amazing experience.  It has been good for my ego too.

Video: Our best liberty ride! 

I suppose I ackwardly say that because when I was younger I rode the way I was trained to and I disciplined my horse, as I was told to.  I was never really comfortable and felt many times that people just didn't understand horses well.  Though being young, I believed I had no voice. 

To be in a place where I can freely test my intuition and feel my way through my relationship with Rio, is a dream come true.  I don't have the noise of coaches sharing their opinions.  I can succeed and mess up without anyone's input.

 When I finished my time with Rio, in awe with how hard he tries to please, I ask my Lord..."Are YOU proud of me?"  Tears well up in my eyes as my heart goes to a vulnerable place that I don't often visit.  "I have come a long way Lord and together we have moved mountains and changed lives.  But if You are not proud of me then what is the point?"

It doesn't even really involve Rio, but he is an important part of my life.  Just as are my kids, my family and my job.   As I sit in vulnerable silence,  waiting to hear His response, I can't help to think of all the blessings I have received.  I work hard at gaining the things I want in life, whether relational or material.  I insist on having fun too and that is where Rio comes in.

Yet I wonder, is it all in vain?  How much of my time and money is given to the Lord?  Is He shaking His head while I shop til I drop or til my credit card gets cancelled?  Which ever comes first.  Is He disappointed that all my spare time goes to learning how to ride my horse without reins, and then bragging about it on facebook?  Am I raising my children up for His glory or mine?  I try not to put my children on facebook too often but they will surely get an ear full if they embarrass me.  Why is that?  I mean isn't that to be expected or did I have kids to show what a wonderful mother and person I am?

My heart feels as though I could do better.  I do have a purpose for the training I do with Rio and my intention is to give glory to God with it.  But I think my struggle is that I desire to show off as well.  I want to brag about my kids so others wished they had them.  I need to decorate my home so that I have a lovely place to share with friends and family.  I long to WOW facebook friends with my natural equine talents.  "I am just not sure Lord when enough is enough....."

 

Zephaniah 3:17 New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you,

    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

I do find it hard to believe that my God will rejoice over me with singing.  When I pick apart my heart and see how consumed I am with myself and my agenda, I don't know how any song can begin.  And even though I am acutely aware, I am not sure how much I desire to do better.   What would I be prepared to give up if He asked?

Recalling I ponder, what is the point of any of this if He isn't proud of me? How can I desire the audience of many when the only One the truly matters isn't present? 


 I would like to think that life is wrapped up in a neat little box.  If I am a good person and do all the right things, with a pure heart, then all will be well.  The reality is, is that life is messy.  Sometimes really really messy.  

I often find that my heart seems to have a mind of its own.  It regularly runs off in a different direction than I had first intended and I have no solution to this problem.

Thank goodness He does!  My God is a seeking God, who intentionally seeks to find those that are lost.  Who longs to know me and is jealous for my attention.   So jealous that He gently pokes with a feather, to remind me that He is craving my affections.  And that I have placed something or someone above Him and He misses me.  

I know what it is like to miss my children when they are gone for the weekend.  I know how it feels to miss having a special someone in my life.  Oh how my heart melts to know that my God, Alpha & Omega, also misses me in that same tender way.

Leave me alone!

For the past few weeks I have been fusing over Rio's mud fever.  "Mud fever (also known as dew poisoning or pastern dermatitis) is a group of diseases of horses causing irritation and dermatitis in the lower limbs." It is typically just above the hoof but can spread up the leg if it gets severe enough.  Which usually can be observed as scabs under the hair and at times swelling in the ankle and leg.

Mud Fever

 I have done my best to soak and treat these scabs.  I have been told the best treatment is to pick the scabs off, apply an ointment and keep Rio in a dry area.  I have picked and picked and picked but can't seem to get them all.  Rio has been sweet about the whole ordeal.  My focus has been on his left hind leg and the picking  has been quite painful for him.  He picks up his leg and moves away, all in the efforts to escape my new found obsession.  My heart is in the right place but it has caused Rio a fair bit of discomfort.  In all of this though it amazes me that I have not been kicked.  He has the power and freedom to do so, plus the speed and accuracy, yet he has refrained.

The last time I went to see him, I did the usual.  I tried to soak the area and then the picking began.  I was able to get some large pieces of the scab off, but not all.  I was sorry to see his wound begin to bleed yet felt I had no choice but to press on.  

I continued to apply an ointment to the area and noticed that I felt quite disconnected from Rio.  I kept trying to tell him, in my heart, that my intention was good.  Yet it felt like he just wanted to get away from me.

I still had 40mins to spend with him before running home to pick my kids up from school.  I wanted to hop on and ride him.  I also had my camera and wanted to video some more of my interaction with Rio, to share with all of you.  So I decided to ignore the disconnection and the knot in my stomach, and proceed anyways.

When I mounted Rio during the 40 mins, I experience two key things.  The first was his refusal to move forward.  He wouldn't budge an inch.  I asked him to walk forward and back up, but he just would not do it.  I waved my feet and he just turned his ear back at me and remained cemented in place.

Rio

I dismounted and brought him back to the mounting block and  tried again.  This time he moved forward but not where I asked him to go.  He walked to the edge of the fence to where all his friends were hanging out.  I felt like he was saying, "Let me go".  I refused and was still determined to video the new things we have learned.

In response to me pressing him to follow through with my request, he did move.  Though again, not where I requested.  He walked under a tree with low branches and stopped.  I was getting poked in many different places and as I tried to work through the tangled mess, branches were breaking all around us.

I did manage to get Rio to back out from under the tree.  I did dismount and yield by releasing him to his buddies.  My time was up and my video clearly wasn't going to boost my ego today.

I shared this with a mentor of mine, concluding that I felt as though I needed to leave the mud fever alone because it was creating a disconnection in my relationship with Rio.  She was happy that I had come to that conclusion on my own because that was were she had intended to guide me.  Not in a neglectful way but just from a place that affirms that there is an issue, I am here to help if you need it, yet I will allow you to fight this infection on your own.

As I reflect, I wonder how often I obsess over the sin in my family.  How often am I picking away at their illness with the best of intentions?  Has this picking created a disconnection between me and my children?  Have I become so lost in the fear that things can only get worse, that I begin to chase after my loved ones, in the hopes that my picking will release the invader?  Have I taken matters into my own hands to avoid the shame that may come when the infection is too big to hide?  Has my ego become bigger than love, that I aim to say just the right thing, to then be awarded credit for the healing?

When is it the right time to acknowledge a sin of a loved one and cease picking?  Can I be present and connected with my children or my former husband and not obsess over the parasite?  Can I let go of my ego and completely give the matter over to God?

Chasing my children around and constantly pointing out their sins and failures is worthy of a kick.  My kids need my time, my love and acceptance.  Yes, improvements can be made.  Yes, we can all strive to do better but at what cost has the Lord asked us to mandate change?  If I am going to obsess over all the ways my family is failing, than why am I surprised that my kids would rather hang out with their friends or pick back at me, causing wounds to bleed.

I want to love my family best.  I don't want to hurt or neglect them.  Although my intentions are good and right, is it fair to say that there is a time when I must let go of my fear and ego, and just allow.  Allow my family to fall so that I can let the mighty hand of God pick them back up.  I think that in my efforts to allow them to fall, I also will fall.  To yield the control, fear and the shame that may arise from these stumbles, may indeed provoke my own infection.  I trust that the mighty hand of God is big enough to pick me up out of the dirt, as He has proven faithful in the past.  So I allow the imperfections within my family to be as they may.  In His strength I put a guard over my mouth and keep my knees bent and cemented in prayer, as I trust the only One who knows the perfect way to pick away at an infected heart.

At the heart of a buck....

As I continue to train Rio, my 3 yr old mustang, I must first always keep in mind what he needs from me.  I want him to trust me and allow me to ride him, but he needs me to provide for him as well.

I can create anxiety, if I move to quickly.
I can create panic, if I only focus on my agenda.
I can create mistrust, if I am too forceful. 
I can create frustration, if I do not release the pressure.
I can create confusion, if I am not clear and consistent.
I can create a buck, if I don't listen.

As I have worked through the stages, I have been careful to stay within his comfort zone.  I do press him a little but only to expand that zone.  I am very aware that too much, too quickly can send him into a state of panic.  My overall goal is to teach him, which requires some pressure. But not to the point that he gets lost and starts to fight for survival.

As I reflect on the relationships in my life, I wonder how I have contaminated them.  Are those around me  fighting for survival?  It is not easy to look within and examine my selfish intent towards another.  Could it be that my adding additional pressure in conflict or self seeking agenda, has created a buck from the ones I love the most. 

I have had one moment when Rio bucked and his rider took a tumble.  He was grazing and his rider moved her leg too far back and applied pressure, which startled him.  His rider had a big heart and instead of remaining on his back, she bailed.  He desperately needed her to get off, so she took a gentle tumble in the grass and he settled immediately.  After giving him a few moments to collect himself, he was happy to accept his rider again.

There are many different ways to control a horse, just like there are many ways to control a family.  I can create a fearful structure that includes painful penalties for not submitting.  I can create a method of bribery that manipulates horse and human to obey or I can initiate a true connection and a heart centered approached.

Rio is mine so I can do what I want.  I could certainly throw a saddle on him and ram a bit in his mouth.  I can carry a whip in my hand and ride him as long and as hard as it takes for him to give in.  He is mine so I can be as harsh as I want to.

If this is how I would treat my horse, how am I handling my relationships.  Am I screaming at my children to get their attention?  Was I chasing my former spouse around the house to insist he listen to my point of view, one more time?  Am I degrading my children or their father because I can't get my needs met? Do I have a hard heart which is creating an inconsistency within me, thus generating confusion for my loved ones?  Am I struggling with self worth to the point that I shame those I love in private, so long as they glorify me in public?

If I choose to train in such ways, then why am I surprised when they buck?  If training and matters of the heart are not first guided from compassion and tenderness, then why am I surprised that my kids hide in their rooms and that my former husband would find refuge in the basement?

I can hope that a reasonable request, results in a reasonable outcome.  Though life and people are not that predictable.  Contributing to my relationships must out way the contamination, in order to avoid devastation.  Can I take responsibility for the wreck I have fabricated or will I blame those interfering with my agenda?

The truth can be hard when it is starring straight at us.  But our God doesn't show us the truth to shame us.  Not in the way the world would describe shame.  He flashes a light into our darkness to expose what is hidden and help begin the restoration.  Jesus loves us.  It is a love like no other.  If He is poking around within your heart to reveal what hinders, try not to snuff Him out.  His agenda is not self seeking but it is to restore what has dissembled and crumbled apart.  Search deep, make amends and start fresh.  In His strength alone you will find true connection and an approach that melts the heart of the ones you love.

John 3:30  "He must increase but I must decrease"