Dusty Hope.....

We tend to have people in our lives that tell us what we want to hear, whether good for us or not. I think we are cowards that way. I think we miss so much of who God is and what He wants us to know, when we shut out tough love.

Why do we not allow people, that love us with the bitter truth, to remain?
                                                                 
 It certainly makes me a hypocrite. I am happy to share my wisdom with another and puff up my ego.  But when God uses a dear friend to address a delicate matter, I become offended and distant.

How can that be?

How is it that I can fight for my kids and steer them in the right direction, but refuse that same guidance?  Why is it that I can counsel a friend struggling in marriage but allowed my own to crumble and bitterness seep in?

It has been some time since I have written a blog. The honest truth is that I have been distracted. Distracted with life and the direction it may or may not be heading. Distracted with my own fears and daily battles. Distracted with selfishness and earthly desires.

Where is God in all of this? Is He on the radar? How long have I been so caught up in myself?

 In a world that is so focused on self and immediate satisfaction, it is no wonder people are oozing discontentment. If inwardly directed, discontentment can seem to be temporally extinguished with alcohol, drugs, food or sex. Outwardly, the focus can be on children, a job, society contributions, vanity or an expression of material comforts.

What do I do when those things fall short and no longer satisfy? Where and to whom do I turn?

Do I shut out my spouse and find another? Do I explore career advancement? Do I disconnect from my kids and let them lead their own destructive lives?

Maybe one more drink will help. Maybe a new outfit or if I remodel the kitchen.  All would be well if I could just smother that internal ache, that just won't go away.

Is that the answer? To smother? Or is it to listen? If I am missing something in my life or rather ignoring, then why have I concluded that remaining distracted is the answer?  It must be so, as I seemed to have invited a number of unique and empty distractions into my world.

The hope that something of this world will satisfy me, has left me spinning in circles and now I am discouraged.  Is this where my God wants me? Standing in a cloud of dust?

As the dust starts to settle, it seems that this is in fact where I need to be.  As I quiet my mind and remain still, the swirling slows and I can begin to again see. I can see my Hope. I can feel His love.  He is all that I need in this life. How did I lose that?

Becoming distracted, thus discouraged, was not an over night   process. But the undoing of it was!

If my loss of hope is rooted in discouragement, then how can I be surprised by my state of mind, when my focus has been on temporal things?  It is all right to have desires and pleasures of this life. I believe that God uses the temporal to bless and encourage us.

It is I, that allowed the temporal to take over my focus and somehow adopt an understanding that more is better. Or numb is better. Or that maybe new is better. When all along I forgot that He is better.

 My focus cemented in Gods love and a desire to walk with Him, clears the air, the heart and the mind. It releases the anxiety that shouts, I need to change or fix something.  It soothes the emptiness that stems from loss. It challenges my mind set and encourages a change of behavior and attitude.

Clearly my journey of distractions fell short. My focused energy in finding hope in stuff or people, left me dishearten and discouraged.

Was it worth it? Yes! Because now I know where I don't want to be. I now know where and in whom my hope truly lies.


The dust is continuing to settle. The road is being cleared of debris and I am now standing back by His side. Even though I walked through a thick heavy cloud to get here, there is no other place I would rather be.

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

 Here is a link to one of my favorite songs by Danny Gokey.  So inspiring!

Hope in Front of Me 

Dare to reconnect....

Riding Rio-no saddle, bridle or halter

There is a time in every relationship that the heart hurts and distance between loved ones takes root.  It can be a challenging time and ultimately devastating, if those hearts don't  fight to recapture what was lost.

For those of you that have regularly read my blogs, you are aware of the beautiful relationship that has grown between me and my horse Rio.  God has taught me so much through this horse and I have been blessed to share that journey with all of you.

Recently, Rio and I were working in the outdoor riding ring. He was free, meaning no halter, lead rope or lunge lines.  My goal for us was for me to stand on the ground beside him and work in sync, as we moved around the arena together.  So as we stood shoulder to shoulder, we would walk together and trot together.  When I stopped, he stopped.  When I backed up, he backed up and so on.

To refine my communication with Rio, I held a wand in my hand.  Never to be use as a weapon, but rather to block unwanted behaviour and help encourage him when he was on the correct path.

In holding this tool, I know in my heart that Rio isn't a fan.  He has been mistreated in the past by a previous owner, which has created a slight mistrust for anyone holding the item.  Rio and I have come along way with this tool, to the point that he will freely stand with me as I touch him all over and spank the ground close to were he is standing.  With my persistence, he has come to know my heart and trust that he is safe.

Today was a day that his past and fear got the better of him.  As we moved around the arena together, me in line with his back hip, I asked him to pick up a canter.  I used my wand to encourage him to pick up the gait, by waving it behind his tail.  I continued with the energy from behind and as he moved into a canter he slightly turned his hind end in, towards the wand, and kicked.  In his attempt to strike the wand, he also struck my arm, leaving me stunned.

I wasn't able to continue with our activity, as fear and mistrust set in for myself.  I wasn't physically injured but my heart was.  How was it possible that Rio had forgotten who I was?  How did he lose that knowing that he was safe with me? As I stood in the middle of the arena, watching him graze, I wondered what I was suppose to do now.

Could I trust him?  Now it seemed like our relationship had changed and my safety was something I had to consider more than I had prior.  I was always aware, as he is a horse.  But in knowing his heart for me and his nature, I trusted.

How was it possible that we were in this place?  Rio's fear is real to him.  There may not be any truth in it, as I have worked hard to assure him that he is safe.  But to him, in that moment, he was afraid and responded the only way he knew how.  To survive and self protect.

Is it possible that I also respond from a place of survival and self protection?  Is my past and those experiences, contaminating my current relationships?  Will I be able to let go?

With the the fear and uncertainty that has risen within myself, I am aware that yes, survival and self protection is number one on my list.  How do I move forward and reconnect?

It took a few days for me to work through my struggles with Rio.  Partly because I didn't want him to fear and mistrust me.  And also because I was very aware of my physical safety and needed to find the confidence in him again.  That his reaction was not about us but about the wand and what it represented it him.

How often do I miss seeing this within my family and those I love?  That their mess is often not about me yet I am at the brunt of the reaction.  If I am not able to look past myself, then I can miss loving those that deeply need it.  I can miss the opportunity to allow Jesus to live through me and bring peace and healing to a struggling heart.

The heart seems to fight to survive.  At any cost. I choose to believe that a heart doesn't mean to do harm but rather doesn't know better and sometimes can't see the truth that is standing before it.  I desire to love the hearts of those God has entrusted to me, with everything I have.  To remind them of the truth of who I am, even when a moment of fear or vulnerability rises up and then a heart is temporarily wounded. 

Rio's Butt =)

Rio was unable to pursue me during this struggle.  He lives in the moment and when the moment past and the wand wasn't visible, all was well.  He went back to being his adorable self but I found myself needing to pursue him.  My heart was the wounded one and I needed to re-establish that connection with him as it hurt me to feel unsure.

 Do I pursue my family in the same way? When my heart has been wounded from an outburst that isn't really about me. Do I pursue or does pride kick in? Do I demand that the offender make the matter right? Am I a tad bit stubborn, setting unrealistic expectations for how my heart should be wooed prior to allowing that deep connection to return?




If Jesus did not pursue me and love me, even when I turned my back on Him, I don't know where I would be today.  He has often chased me down and tenderly loved my heart even though I have wounded His heart with my rebellion and sin.

I have to believe that if Jesus can love this way then I can find the strength to as well.  That I can lay down my pride and pursue those that are wounded and broken, even if it hurts.  That I won't allow distance to linger to long because ultimately it is the connection that I crave.

  "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." 

Colossians 3:14

What is the point?

I posted the video below a few days ago.  I am so proud of Rio, my 4yr old mustang, and all that we have accomplished in the 6 months that I have owned him.  I have taken many riding lessons in my youth but gentling my own boy has been such an amazing experience.  It has been good for my ego too.

Video: Our best liberty ride! 

I suppose I ackwardly say that because when I was younger I rode the way I was trained to and I disciplined my horse, as I was told to.  I was never really comfortable and felt many times that people just didn't understand horses well.  Though being young, I believed I had no voice. 

To be in a place where I can freely test my intuition and feel my way through my relationship with Rio, is a dream come true.  I don't have the noise of coaches sharing their opinions.  I can succeed and mess up without anyone's input.

 When I finished my time with Rio, in awe with how hard he tries to please, I ask my Lord..."Are YOU proud of me?"  Tears well up in my eyes as my heart goes to a vulnerable place that I don't often visit.  "I have come a long way Lord and together we have moved mountains and changed lives.  But if You are not proud of me then what is the point?"

It doesn't even really involve Rio, but he is an important part of my life.  Just as are my kids, my family and my job.   As I sit in vulnerable silence,  waiting to hear His response, I can't help to think of all the blessings I have received.  I work hard at gaining the things I want in life, whether relational or material.  I insist on having fun too and that is where Rio comes in.

Yet I wonder, is it all in vain?  How much of my time and money is given to the Lord?  Is He shaking His head while I shop til I drop or til my credit card gets cancelled?  Which ever comes first.  Is He disappointed that all my spare time goes to learning how to ride my horse without reins, and then bragging about it on facebook?  Am I raising my children up for His glory or mine?  I try not to put my children on facebook too often but they will surely get an ear full if they embarrass me.  Why is that?  I mean isn't that to be expected or did I have kids to show what a wonderful mother and person I am?

My heart feels as though I could do better.  I do have a purpose for the training I do with Rio and my intention is to give glory to God with it.  But I think my struggle is that I desire to show off as well.  I want to brag about my kids so others wished they had them.  I need to decorate my home so that I have a lovely place to share with friends and family.  I long to WOW facebook friends with my natural equine talents.  "I am just not sure Lord when enough is enough....."

 

Zephaniah 3:17 New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you,

    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

I do find it hard to believe that my God will rejoice over me with singing.  When I pick apart my heart and see how consumed I am with myself and my agenda, I don't know how any song can begin.  And even though I am acutely aware, I am not sure how much I desire to do better.   What would I be prepared to give up if He asked?

Recalling I ponder, what is the point of any of this if He isn't proud of me? How can I desire the audience of many when the only One the truly matters isn't present? 


 I would like to think that life is wrapped up in a neat little box.  If I am a good person and do all the right things, with a pure heart, then all will be well.  The reality is, is that life is messy.  Sometimes really really messy.  

I often find that my heart seems to have a mind of its own.  It regularly runs off in a different direction than I had first intended and I have no solution to this problem.

Thank goodness He does!  My God is a seeking God, who intentionally seeks to find those that are lost.  Who longs to know me and is jealous for my attention.   So jealous that He gently pokes with a feather, to remind me that He is craving my affections.  And that I have placed something or someone above Him and He misses me.  

I know what it is like to miss my children when they are gone for the weekend.  I know how it feels to miss having a special someone in my life.  Oh how my heart melts to know that my God, Alpha & Omega, also misses me in that same tender way.

Leave me alone!

For the past few weeks I have been fusing over Rio's mud fever.  "Mud fever (also known as dew poisoning or pastern dermatitis) is a group of diseases of horses causing irritation and dermatitis in the lower limbs." It is typically just above the hoof but can spread up the leg if it gets severe enough.  Which usually can be observed as scabs under the hair and at times swelling in the ankle and leg.

Mud Fever

 I have done my best to soak and treat these scabs.  I have been told the best treatment is to pick the scabs off, apply an ointment and keep Rio in a dry area.  I have picked and picked and picked but can't seem to get them all.  Rio has been sweet about the whole ordeal.  My focus has been on his left hind leg and the picking  has been quite painful for him.  He picks up his leg and moves away, all in the efforts to escape my new found obsession.  My heart is in the right place but it has caused Rio a fair bit of discomfort.  In all of this though it amazes me that I have not been kicked.  He has the power and freedom to do so, plus the speed and accuracy, yet he has refrained.

The last time I went to see him, I did the usual.  I tried to soak the area and then the picking began.  I was able to get some large pieces of the scab off, but not all.  I was sorry to see his wound begin to bleed yet felt I had no choice but to press on.  

I continued to apply an ointment to the area and noticed that I felt quite disconnected from Rio.  I kept trying to tell him, in my heart, that my intention was good.  Yet it felt like he just wanted to get away from me.

I still had 40mins to spend with him before running home to pick my kids up from school.  I wanted to hop on and ride him.  I also had my camera and wanted to video some more of my interaction with Rio, to share with all of you.  So I decided to ignore the disconnection and the knot in my stomach, and proceed anyways.

When I mounted Rio during the 40 mins, I experience two key things.  The first was his refusal to move forward.  He wouldn't budge an inch.  I asked him to walk forward and back up, but he just would not do it.  I waved my feet and he just turned his ear back at me and remained cemented in place.

Rio

I dismounted and brought him back to the mounting block and  tried again.  This time he moved forward but not where I asked him to go.  He walked to the edge of the fence to where all his friends were hanging out.  I felt like he was saying, "Let me go".  I refused and was still determined to video the new things we have learned.

In response to me pressing him to follow through with my request, he did move.  Though again, not where I requested.  He walked under a tree with low branches and stopped.  I was getting poked in many different places and as I tried to work through the tangled mess, branches were breaking all around us.

I did manage to get Rio to back out from under the tree.  I did dismount and yield by releasing him to his buddies.  My time was up and my video clearly wasn't going to boost my ego today.

I shared this with a mentor of mine, concluding that I felt as though I needed to leave the mud fever alone because it was creating a disconnection in my relationship with Rio.  She was happy that I had come to that conclusion on my own because that was were she had intended to guide me.  Not in a neglectful way but just from a place that affirms that there is an issue, I am here to help if you need it, yet I will allow you to fight this infection on your own.

As I reflect, I wonder how often I obsess over the sin in my family.  How often am I picking away at their illness with the best of intentions?  Has this picking created a disconnection between me and my children?  Have I become so lost in the fear that things can only get worse, that I begin to chase after my loved ones, in the hopes that my picking will release the invader?  Have I taken matters into my own hands to avoid the shame that may come when the infection is too big to hide?  Has my ego become bigger than love, that I aim to say just the right thing, to then be awarded credit for the healing?

When is it the right time to acknowledge a sin of a loved one and cease picking?  Can I be present and connected with my children or my former husband and not obsess over the parasite?  Can I let go of my ego and completely give the matter over to God?

Chasing my children around and constantly pointing out their sins and failures is worthy of a kick.  My kids need my time, my love and acceptance.  Yes, improvements can be made.  Yes, we can all strive to do better but at what cost has the Lord asked us to mandate change?  If I am going to obsess over all the ways my family is failing, than why am I surprised that my kids would rather hang out with their friends or pick back at me, causing wounds to bleed.

I want to love my family best.  I don't want to hurt or neglect them.  Although my intentions are good and right, is it fair to say that there is a time when I must let go of my fear and ego, and just allow.  Allow my family to fall so that I can let the mighty hand of God pick them back up.  I think that in my efforts to allow them to fall, I also will fall.  To yield the control, fear and the shame that may arise from these stumbles, may indeed provoke my own infection.  I trust that the mighty hand of God is big enough to pick me up out of the dirt, as He has proven faithful in the past.  So I allow the imperfections within my family to be as they may.  In His strength I put a guard over my mouth and keep my knees bent and cemented in prayer, as I trust the only One who knows the perfect way to pick away at an infected heart.

At the heart of a buck....

As I continue to train Rio, my 3 yr old mustang, I must first always keep in mind what he needs from me.  I want him to trust me and allow me to ride him, but he needs me to provide for him as well.

I can create anxiety, if I move to quickly.
I can create panic, if I only focus on my agenda.
I can create mistrust, if I am too forceful. 
I can create frustration, if I do not release the pressure.
I can create confusion, if I am not clear and consistent.
I can create a buck, if I don't listen.

As I have worked through the stages, I have been careful to stay within his comfort zone.  I do press him a little but only to expand that zone.  I am very aware that too much, too quickly can send him into a state of panic.  My overall goal is to teach him, which requires some pressure. But not to the point that he gets lost and starts to fight for survival.

As I reflect on the relationships in my life, I wonder how I have contaminated them.  Are those around me  fighting for survival?  It is not easy to look within and examine my selfish intent towards another.  Could it be that my adding additional pressure in conflict or self seeking agenda, has created a buck from the ones I love the most. 

I have had one moment when Rio bucked and his rider took a tumble.  He was grazing and his rider moved her leg too far back and applied pressure, which startled him.  His rider had a big heart and instead of remaining on his back, she bailed.  He desperately needed her to get off, so she took a gentle tumble in the grass and he settled immediately.  After giving him a few moments to collect himself, he was happy to accept his rider again.

There are many different ways to control a horse, just like there are many ways to control a family.  I can create a fearful structure that includes painful penalties for not submitting.  I can create a method of bribery that manipulates horse and human to obey or I can initiate a true connection and a heart centered approached.

Rio is mine so I can do what I want.  I could certainly throw a saddle on him and ram a bit in his mouth.  I can carry a whip in my hand and ride him as long and as hard as it takes for him to give in.  He is mine so I can be as harsh as I want to.

If this is how I would treat my horse, how am I handling my relationships.  Am I screaming at my children to get their attention?  Was I chasing my former spouse around the house to insist he listen to my point of view, one more time?  Am I degrading my children or their father because I can't get my needs met? Do I have a hard heart which is creating an inconsistency within me, thus generating confusion for my loved ones?  Am I struggling with self worth to the point that I shame those I love in private, so long as they glorify me in public?

If I choose to train in such ways, then why am I surprised when they buck?  If training and matters of the heart are not first guided from compassion and tenderness, then why am I surprised that my kids hide in their rooms and that my former husband would find refuge in the basement?

I can hope that a reasonable request, results in a reasonable outcome.  Though life and people are not that predictable.  Contributing to my relationships must out way the contamination, in order to avoid devastation.  Can I take responsibility for the wreck I have fabricated or will I blame those interfering with my agenda?

The truth can be hard when it is starring straight at us.  But our God doesn't show us the truth to shame us.  Not in the way the world would describe shame.  He flashes a light into our darkness to expose what is hidden and help begin the restoration.  Jesus loves us.  It is a love like no other.  If He is poking around within your heart to reveal what hinders, try not to snuff Him out.  His agenda is not self seeking but it is to restore what has dissembled and crumbled apart.  Search deep, make amends and start fresh.  In His strength alone you will find true connection and an approach that melts the heart of the ones you love.

John 3:30  "He must increase but I must decrease"

Please don't break me!

The art of breaking horses frightens me.  Not completely for my own safety, though important, but also for the well being of the horse.  Some trainers are just so tough on their horses, though I know not all.  The idea of true partnership and connection is unheard of, to some, and misunderstood.

Breaking the will or spirit of any living creature just can't be the way God intended for us to behave.  As a parent, I have had moments where frustration has peaked and self control diminished.  Leaving me with a strong intent to break my child's will. 

Having little control scares me as well.  Whether breaking a horse or raising a child.  Sometimes I wonder what it is that I am so deeply afraid of.  Is it the fear of injury, heart or physical?  Am I afraid of what I believe the future to hold if this behaviour continues or is it my reputation?  What will people think when they find out my child has done this?  What will people think if I can't train this horse myself ? 

From studying horses and the herd dynamics, I have learned that there are dominant, lead and passive horses in the group.  They have a hierarchy amongst them, though they feel safe and live comfortably within this structure.

The dominant horse is more on the aggressive side and is only concerned with another horse moving and disobedience is not an option.  If one doesn't move, a kick or bite may follow.  It does remind me of those times when I have focused too much on my child's behaviour and not looked deeper to the heart of the issue. 

The passive horse gives up and is easily pushed around by the herd.  I recall those times when my passive child seems to just follow along without voicing his feelings.  He is learning that remaining quiet is better than having a confrontation.  By allowing him to stay passive, am I parenting for myself because this is easier?  Am I creating an individual that will struggle to keep the peace, at any cost? 

 The lead horse is more concerned with his herd hearing and trusting him, rather than movement.  This horse will use a little pressure, such as pinning back the ears or a strong glare, to ask another horse to move. But he will release and soften that pressure before asking again.  The pressure can increase to a charge, if movement doesn't happen, but the relationship is about acceptance, respect and trust. I wonder how this method of respect might transfer to my relationship with my children?


I have concluded that in my training, whether of child or horse, "I" is the problem.  When I allow my ego to run a muck in my life, then I only care about what is best for me.  If I am concerned with what others think, then the behaviour of my child is my focus and not the heart or the relationship.  Then I become like a dominant horse and the time will come, when I choose to take what ever means necessary, to ensure that I get what I want; glory. 

When I forget that as the trainer & parent, my job is to build strength, confidence and character, then my agenda is self seeking and I forget to release the pressure.  I again take on the characteristics of a dominant horse and demand my little herd to move in every way that I ask.  When they don't, I continue to increase the pressure until I get movement but why do I seem to be unaware of the injuries that are forming?  When will the time come when "I" can shift to "we", solidifying the well being of all? 

How can I get out of my own way and have a heart centered approach?  What is it about me that isn't first interested in a true connection with my child or my horse?   Do I know how to create such a connection? Why is my focus only on performance? Am I trying to fill a void within myself that can only come from the illusion of success?  If it looks great then it is great, therefore I am great?

I am thankful that my God refuses to break my spirit when I am bucking or rearing at His requests.  I know my God's love but it isn't because He sets me free or is passive but rather by the way He leads me.  He gently adds pressure to steer me to greener pasture but when I start to fuss, He releases.  Then He asks again.  Dominance isn't His nature.  He isn't interested in just ensuring that I move when He asks.  He wants me to trust Him and accept Him as lead.

I confess that I am still trying to figure out how to be led.  I am also trying to sort out my need to be in complete control of my herd.  Self seeking leadership is a challenging attribute to refine.  But as my Lord applies pressure, during the release, I hope to be sure to listen.

Why do you run?

A few weeks ago I was entrusted with an assignment.  I was offered to work with a 2yr old mustang name Rio.  He is a beautiful gelding that isn't very comfortable with people touching him or in his personal space.  There are days when I can relate, so in order to win his heart, I decided that I would let him dictate  what was best.

When I started spending time with him,  I would sit in his paddock, welcoming an approach.  He would stretch out his long neck, not getting too close, and sniff my cheek or my hair.  He would pull away when I held onto his halter, so I would let go, allowing him the freedom to choose.  He would stand with me when I offered him food but just long enough to eat and run.

Rio is grey/white & hiding is nose in Dealers neck.

He did offer some sweet moments when he would stand and allow me to rub his neck and his head.  Though the catch seem to be that his courage came from another horse standing next to him or even in between us.

After thinking about what was in Rio's best interest, I realized that allowing him to run from me wasn't ideal.  I needed him to trust my heart and my intent.  I had no intention of hurting him, though I was aware that what I was asking of him was creating an anxiety that he needed to work through.

Today our greeting was the same.  I approached Rio and when I got too close for his liking, he walked away.   I decided to add some additional pressure to the situation when he walked away, and less pressure when he remained.  It took a few attempts but Rio got it and by the end of our time together, I was able to stand next to him while he ate and I could rub his neck and head.

I can't help but ponder the similarities between my relationship with Rio and my Lord Jesus.  There have been many times throughout my journey, where God has asked me to stand and work through anxiety.  Like Rio, my anxiety was fear based and this fear needed the right kind of pressure in order for it to diminish.  Pressure that would bring freedom and a new perspective.  God has graciously granted me the free will to turn and run but there have been those times that He has insisted I stand.  Stand and trust, therefore, breathe and allow.  

To trust my heart and my intent, for Rio means life or death.  There have been times when I have felt the same way about life.  To feel one more heart break or admit to another failure, would be to much.  Yet Rio has to learn that I do have his best interest at heart.  The discomfort he feels now, is only for a season and he will be much stronger for it.  But it all begins when he adjusts his footing and stands, resisting the temptation to flee.

 As Rio and I work though this together, he will begin to know my heart.  He will experience my gentle hand and a kindness that he has never known before.  I know this because his anxiety would not be present if kindness and love had been apart of his past.
 

Although I have walked with my God for 15 years, I still feel the need to flee.   I have felt His gentle hand.  I know His heart.  He has guided me through some heart breaking and fearful situations.  He has made Himself personally know, when the voice of others have clouded the truth of who He is and what He is not.  I know His love but not because I loved Him first or lived a life of perfection.  I know His love because He first loved me.  He held out His cross to me and when I accepted, He has never left my side.  

Will Rio continue to flee?  Yes!  That is how he is wired to survive.  But may those times drastically decrease, as he learns to walk right along side me and trust me with his life.

I know my God wants me to stand, breathe and allow.  And I want that also, yet I do know that there will be times that I will flee.  I will be thankful for those moments that God allows me to run.  Though there will be other seasons, that I must adjust my footing, and remember His promises and His heart.  I will trust that when His pressure increases, it is for my good and I will be stronger for it.

Finding life in a rope halter?

Why do we cling to our tangled past?  Leaving ourselves in a state of vulnerability, as we cautiously weave into the future.


It is true that our past behaviour can predict our future behaviour, but it doesn't have to.  There must come a time when we choose to recognize and correct unhealthy behavioral patterns. When we actively guard our mind from the lies that are holding us captive and think positive thoughts on purpose. Clinging to the promises that God has for us, rather than a past of pain, missed opportunities and failures. 

Often I have been confused about the emotion "vulnerability".  It can feel like fear but is actually quite different.  Fear can be defined as an intuitive, focused awareness of a  threat to one's physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well being.  Yet vulnerability is the awareness that something significant is about to change or be revealed.  How I choose to perceive this change, can predict whether I am victorious or remain a victim of a former wound.

As I prepare to facilitate an activity with my horse partner, I am excited to observe how my participant will work through the emotion she is about to come face to face with.  I am sure she is expecting me to provide her with all the tools and instructions, just as I have done in the past.  I mean isn't that what would make life so much easier?  If God would just give us the tools needed, including a map with clear turning signs. Than our lives would not have had so many bumps along the way. 


To her dismay, I handed her a rope halter and no instructions.  She had never seen one before but has succeeded many times in haltering a horse with a traditional halter.  I am sure it looked like a tangled mess to her, yet she was required to approach the horse and to put it on.

She looks at me and tries to smile, though I can read her questioning eyes.  She holds up the rope halter and tries to sort out the puzzle before approaching the horse.  I wonder what I might be thinking if I were in this vulnerable situation.  I can imagine I might be thinking that  I am going to look like an idiot trying to put this on the horse?  The horse will probably walk away and I will fail.  What will the instructor think of me   if I can't do it?  Is she making me do this alone because she doesn't like me? Why won't she help me?


What ever she was thinking, she didn't allow it to paralyze her.  I told her she could do this and in trusting my judgement she walked herself right over to the horse and made an attempt.  She didn't quite get it the first time and looked to me for guidance.  I remained silent. I could see that she was struggling with something though she hadn't voiced it.  She exhaled and she made a second attempt.  She carefully worked the halter over the horses nose and head and secured it in place.  I asked her to walk the horse over to me.  I inspected her work and congratulated her on a job well done.

As I reflect on this moment and the impact of the outcome, I can't help but wonder why letting go of our past, believing in ourselves and trusting God seems so hard sometimes.  Why we choose to trust our own flawed judgement rather than His and when He is silent, we conclude the worst.

Can it be that as our God presses us to experience vulnerable situations, He offers a side of Himself and a personal insight as to that which hasn't been known or experienced yet?  That a tangle mess of a past has nothing to do with how He feels about us or the future to come.  Sometimes He will give us the tools and instructions needed and other times He will remain silent.  What matters most of all, is in the vulnerable silence, we move forward and know that our past doesn't equal our future.  That life experiences, as reflected in the rope halter, can be straightened out and used as tools for untangling the next part of our journey.

Revealing what divides us.....

Revealing our deepest secrets, weakens the power they have over us. I can speak this truth because I have lived as two different people for most of my adult life.  Not because I wanted to but rather because I thought I had to.  How did I break free?  Only because God insisted that I learn the truth about who I am.  His truth for me and not another's.

As I reluctantly trust Him with my heart, I start to reveal where I have been and what I have done.  It never was easy and many tears were shed before, during and after the  private revealings.  With each secret exposed, a weight is lifted, but walking through it is terrifying.  It is the walking through that has strengthen my faith, that the Lord deeply cares for my broken heart and longs  for its restoration.

One might think that sharing those secrets isn’t to pressing with a trusted friend.  That is what I had hoped for as well, but God had other plans for me. Trusting God with my heart is one of the hardest challenges of my life but also the most life changing.  Though His initial requests seemed simple and gentle, His further direction now suggests that it was time to share my disgrace in two small groups.

All that was within me, wanted to run and hide.  How could this be good for me when it felt so bad?  What was the point of sharing my failures in a small group?  Why did it matter to Him?  As I struggle to find the words, I am overwhelmed by the anxiety.  This did not feel like freedom!  I struggle to mutter parts of my story to two different groups at two different times.  They in themselves are sad scenes, but what was to follow was unexpected.   There was another!  I wasn’t alone!  In a semi-private exchange after my revealing, I was approached by a woman, herself overwhelmed, by what I shared.  She was also speaking out for the first time, that she too had behaved in similar ways.  She expressed her gratitude for my courage to break free, as in that, she was able to start her own journey.

The moments ran through my mind for many days.  Not only did the Lord provide a cushion to catch me, as He first handily showed me that I am not alone.  But His insisting that I share my secrets, drastically weakened the power that was consuming me.  I was not my behaviour, although He did not approve of the choices, He most certainly approved of me and loved me tenderly.  I needed to walk the path He directed me to, though I was able to walk it with my hand in His.  I know He felt my tension and saw me gaze behind us, looking for an opportunity to turn back.  But as His voice spoke gently to my fragile heart, I was able to keep in step with Him.

My reward?  My deepest secrets dragged to the surface, broke the chain of lies that weighed on my self worth and self respect.  Nothing has crippled me more than the shame of a past and the fear of it rearing up into my present.  There is only One that can free and there is only One that cares enough to insist on it.  To know this and the truth He has for me has made me a new woman and mother.  There are still times when I share that the fear of judgement arises within. But in those times I can’t help but think of the one woman that needs to hear that she is not alone.  The woman that needs to hold her head up towards the blue sky and feel the soft lips of God kiss her forehead.  For she is loved!

Exposed by a baby tooth.

As the air settles, the tears dry up and life goes on, I find that I am at peace with my former husband.  I have chosen not to regard him as my enemy but rather an acquaintance with a common goal.  There are two young boys that are counting on us to get it together and take care of them.  To guide and protect them.  And when life permits, sit together and play a game of cards prior to a minor operation. 

I was certain I had forgiven him, just as I had forgiven myself.  I no longer replay the events in my mind.  I have tried my best to stop the slander.  Though at times, my mouth still does seem to have a mind of its own.  But I do not seek revenge nor wish him harm.  So yes, I had forgiven him.

American Psychological Association states forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

Forgiveness had been a hard journey but as I dust myself off I can give myself a pat on the back.  I had forgiven my former husband.  Many are not able to come to this turning point but I have.  Many have stuffed their emotions and are blind to the embers still burning.  I was certain that God had helped me and I was free.  Resentment wasn’t hiding within this heart and than it happened.  Connor’s first tooth became loose.

As I anticipate the event and my scrapbook page, I take note of the weekend approaching.  The boys will be spending it with my former husband.  Something rises up with in me and I realize I must get that tooth.  He can’t have it.  It’s mine.

With the tooth still intact and the weekend soon upon us, I find myself wiggling multiply times a day and fighting the urge to give it a good tug.  I want the tooth.  He can’t have it.  He doesn’t deserve it!

There is was.  The hidden ember.  I was certain that I had resolved all matters with my former husband but this tooth upset would suggest otherwise.  How could it be that I had stuffed my unforgiveness?  How is it that my heart believes that the father doesn’t deserve the first tooth of his youngest son? 

As I sit in the realization that I had stuffed my hurt and that I am not yet okay, I felt the hand of God challenge me to leave the tooth alone and allow my former husband this gift.  I also felt challenged to expose more of this small ember, that really wasn’t so small after all and allow God to continue healing my heart.

When the boys came home from their weekend visit, I must confess that I was relieved that the tooth was still in place.  But I left it as is and fought the urge to try and snatch it.  I still wanted it but I wanted the     remaining ember to burn out more.  Not leaving a trace of bitterness or  any ugly resentment.  

 Although the tooth was still intact after the weekend visit, it was not in place after an evening out with Dad, later that week.  My former husband did, in the end, receive the gift of his youngest son’s first tooth.  I don’t know what was harder.  Letting it go or seeing my truth.  My former husband did deserve the tooth and my God needed me to know that.  And my God needed me to know that He isn’t finished with me, my heart or my mess. 

If there is one thing that I have learned about my God throughout this divorce, it is that when I am wrecked and don’t know it,  He is happy to point it out.  It amazes me that He used a baby tooth to show me what was still lingering on the inside. That He loves me enough to insist that I purge the poison, that will eventually cause me greater pain if left alone.

Horse Refined

Riding horses has always been a passion for Ann, but she never imagined that she would be entering an arena to examine her heart, with one of them.   What does a horse know about such things? 

A hay bag, four rails down the centre of the arena and two pylons, were setup.  Ann was required to label each item with a personal struggle or heart’s desire.  The hay bag was labelled “trusting self”.   Ann desired to have more faith in herself, despite her failures.   The rails symbolized “fear” which Ann was determined to eliminate from her life.  The pylons represented the “confidence” that Ann was lacking.  The activity required Ann to guide the horse to each item and reflect. 

Feeling a little foolish, Ann stood at the hay bag and considered her struggle with “trusting self”.   Smiling, hid the truth that she felt awkward and doubted the activity.  It was time to move on.

“Fear” was the defining emotion in Ann’s life.  Fear of the future and past.  Fear of failing and even succeeding.  Fear of relationships, having them and losing them.  And fear that one day she may not be able to protect herself and her kids.  Standing in the arena, even provoked a fear of being hurt.  Today it would end.  Fear was no longer going to paralyze her.

Holding the lead rope, Ann approached “fear”.  She stepped over the first rail and her partner stopped.  Ann asked again and gave a tug on the lead rope; nothing.  Thoughts of dragging the horse came to mind or choosing a more assertive approach.  Nope, she could not do that.  The rules were clear in that there was no bribing, dragging or intimidating her partner.  This  simple guideline could be used in any relationship.  But Ann was there hoping to extinguish “fear“, not refine relationships.  At that moment, her horse turned its head and looked back at “trusting self”.  Ann’s facilitator suggested that the horse wanted to return.  Ann was annoyed with her partner, but granted the request.

Standing back at the hay bag, with her partner, Ann was unclear of what to do next.  And then it happened.  A loud unstoppable noise was coming from, from where?  The roof!  The snow was sliding off!  Ann’s partner panicked but she desperately hung on to the lead.  It was her responsibility to keep herself and her partner safe and defuse the situation.  Someone had to take charge and work through the fear that was consuming them both. 

Recognizing the truth that they were safe, Ann relaxed.  Her trusting partner seemed to settle as well.  They stood together and as Ann’s body further soften, she cried.  Fear had threatened to overtake her, but Ann had triumphed!  Purging this paralyzing emotion from her world, would be next on the agenda.

With the activity incomplete, Ann was required to continue and lead her partner over “fear” and through “confidence”.  Ann floated through the pylons, with a new awareness of herself and connection to her companion. She turned again to approach “fear”, assured that the previous victory confirmed success.  But again her partner refused to follow.  Why?  Was it her approach? 

Ann examined the rails again and considered weaving in and out of them.  She asked and her partner followed!  Confused, Ann again reflected.  What had she missed?  “Trusting self”, “fear” and “confidence”; but wait the order had changed!  Ann needed to trust herself first and then her confidence increased.  What about “fear“?  Rather than stepping over the rails, Ann’s partner insisted she weave through them.  Could fear even be completely conquered in her life? Ann’s eyes widened and her heart swelled.  That was it!  Fear can’t be completely extinguished!  She will be required to weave her way through the emotion every time it shows up.  Ann’s perceptions had been refined!  Beautifully refined by the least expected; a horse.